When people ask me “what do you want out of this life?” I can only think of one answer, one that at this moment I would never actually answer with, out loud. I think of this feeling I have, that’s not always obvious but kind of always there, a feeling deep in my gut. At some point over the last couple of years I started calling it ‘The Yearning’ to myself because it’s literally the best way I can describe it. It’s as if I can feel that there is something out there that I’m supposed to find. This thing that’s screaming at me from miles and miles away but I can still hear it echoing around me.
For a long time I thought that something was a someone. I was confident of it in fact. I was convinced my other half was out there as desperately looking for me as I was for them and that it was their voice that I could hear from such a distance. It wasn’t until I thought I’d found that someone, and then lost them that I realised maybe it was a person at all, and instead what we like to call ‘purpose’.
I think it’s really important to mention that when I found this someone, the longing stopped and during our time together I had absolutely no inkling of a better-something out there. But the thing about The Yearning is that there a few things I can confidently say, one of them being that when I find the true answer to it I will never ever be able to walk away from it. It’s something embedded deeply into my soul that finding it will feel like coming home to somewhere I never need to leave. Another thing I can confidently say is that I don’t get the choice of what this answer is.
I often wonder if there’s anyone else out there that feels like there’s something belonging to them that they can’t see but is only just out of reach. The thing here is that the more I become myself, the more I allow my authentic self into spaces I haven’t before, the more within reach it feels. The thing is, that I’m more aware than anything that the answer could be anything. It could be a person, it could be a job. It could be a calling or a way of life. It could be a whole combination of multiple things that fills my cup to a point of overflowing yet is perfect balanced. I don’t really care what it is, but I feel it is my sacred duty to myself to do everything within my power to find it.
The funny thing about purpose, is that lots of people believe we can find a few and choose out of the options available to us. Me? I believe that this purpose, the one that keeps me awake at night, the one that niggles in the back of my mind scrambling for a way to the forefront, is one that I am predestined to step into. I know it will light something in me that allows me to shine brighter than I ever have before.
When I was younger, and the loneliness would envelope me, I would cry and cry and pray to the heavens above to gift me with whatever would fulfil The Yearning and allow the empty pit within me to subside. Over the years, as I’ve stepped into my authenticity more and more, the empty pit seems to have gotten smaller and smaller, and this is what makes me think that maybe The Yearning isn’t for a something or someone, but maybe an array of somethings and someone’s, or maybe that I am getting closer and closer to finding the last piece of my still pretty unfinished puzzle. My steady belief in divine timing and intervention has allowed me to relax into the confidence that when the universe is (and when I am) ready to handle me at my brightest, that is when I’ll shine.
When people ask me “what do you want out of this life?” I can only think of one answer, I want to shine imminently and unapologetically.
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